I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
If looks could kill
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?