My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
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Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.