meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.