A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?