Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
You Might Also Like
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
A French press is when you hug naked
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP