Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
You Might Also Like
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Great game to play with friends
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Air conditioning – not a fan
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.