Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
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i want to work in this restaurant
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that