The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
That’s easy for you to say
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg