My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
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Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
This could be us but you eatin’
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
They must have gotten it to go.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape