Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
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Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what