The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
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I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn