exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
much to think about
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*