Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
titanic
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.