When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.