I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
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Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]