tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks