this is one of the best threads in twitter history
You Might Also Like
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.