how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
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i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Well, shit
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
This why you should mind your business
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts