This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.