Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
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Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ