My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.