I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
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LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.