“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.