I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
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My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.