Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”