Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
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My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats