Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here