You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
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Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.