[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm