[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.