If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
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Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird