I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
plant them where lol
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
“Sheer Arrogance”
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.