text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Dune (2021)
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.