Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Flock of bats
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s