Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.