i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
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I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Mistakes were made
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?