Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
This is painfully accurate 😅
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
It was worth a shot 😂
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go