[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
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Lassie, get help!
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”