Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
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[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.