I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me