My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.