11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
bugs when you lift up a rock
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”