FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
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My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”