I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
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[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good