Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
yea so i messed up lol
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?