*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g