I remember when things only cost an arm.
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Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
me when I see my crush
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.