it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly