Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
haha same
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay