Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
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Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Netflix and you sit over there.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?